Losing a baby is such an individual grief isn't it? Literally no one can feel the same grief that you do. I have had 2 miscarriages, one that I always felt would have been a boy would be becoming a 24 year old man this year, the other would be becoming 17 years old this year.
I remember the utter fear I felt on that 1st pregnancy, I was 21, single, no real job, I couldn't (at the time) tell my parents, who I lived with, I couldn't tell the father, or anyone. Only one other person knew and she was my total rock when I was so lost and scared.
I will be honest, I didn't want it, I wasn't ready to become a mum, I could barely look after myself and I had such grand plans for my future!! I was pregnant from late November 1998 to January 3rd 1999. It wasn't real until the miscarriage happened. It became very real after that... but I thought I was fine, I had plenty of time and chances to meet the perfect man, fall in love, get married, have a big victorian house and have a couple of kids.
I was diagnosed with pcos pretty soon after that and was assured that if I met someone they would make sure that I'd have a child, that the fact that I'd gotten pregnant once meant that I could again despite my poor egg production. Apparently I made only about 10 eggs in about 10 years.
Life happened, men came and went, I had a few flings and relationships.
My 2nd miscarriage happened after a period of great stress and despite that huge life change I told myself that it was fine, I never wanted to be a single mum and this was the plan, I was 28, I still had plenty of time, I'd meet someone and the future would happen.
Then the scaffold truck drove into my car and changed my life completely. I was told in 2009 that due to the damage in my back if I got pregnant I'd probably have to be on bed rest for half my pregnancy to make sure I didn't damage my back further, but it was still doable.
That was fine, I was 29, I still had time to adapt, to meet someone, find someone who could cope with a disabled wife, would see past my limitations and want to build a future with Mr.
At the same time the friends around me were settling down, getting engaged, married and starting families.
I never met anyone, I told everyone it was fine, I didn't really want kids, and I still had time!!
My social circle dwindled. As my mental health struggled with the huge changes in my life and the fact that it felt like everyone was ticking off the boxes of how life was supposed to go and I was left behind, they naturally became friends with other mums and our paths diverged.
Then in 2013/14 I was told that if I got pregnant and carried full term, the damage it would do to my spine would leave me highly likely to be wheelchair bound and that if I was going to try to do it I had a small time frame left to meet someone, marry and become a mother.
To be honest that broke me to peices, quite literally shattered my heart in ways I still haven't fully recovered from. I didn't choose this, but I also couldn't bring a child into this world and then expect them to end up caring for my needs.
At the same time, the best friend, my rock from all those years ago lost her beautiful little baby girl to a heart condition at around 3 months old.
I truly cannot fathom that pain, it's utterly beyond grasping. Baby Evie would be 10 years old tommorow, well she kind of is 10 years old, she's just not here to be it.
Grief is utterly subjective, how is it possible to have your heart and soul wrenched out and be expected to keep living? I don't know how my best friend does it, but as I've said to her ever since Evie died, I'm so incredibly proud of her for surviving, living and creating a world and family that is so bright and wonderful, crazy, hectic and filled with happiness, despite the grief that walks beside her and her husband every day. They are amazing.
Me, I pushed away all my friends with kids, I couldn't deal with being on my own and not doing the whole marriage and kids thing and whilst I was happy for them, I could face having my lack being rubbed in my face all the time. I tried focusing on my faith, I became very very distant from it (I have it back again now) but I still struggle being around new mothers or pregnant people.
I recently started my peri menopause (yay..not!!) I'm now 45 and will never be a mum, I've been single now for close to 10 years. My friends are at the point that thier kids are older but I pushed so many away that I think a lot of bridges have been burnt and time has moved on.
Funny thing is, kids generally love me despite my saying I'm not a fan of kids, I tell myself I didn't want to be a mum anyway so it's fine and that's what I say to new people too.
My heart wonders what could have been. I don't have regrets about many things, but I do regret that my life went down a different road at times. I also regret that in order to keep on top of the heartache I've made it that no one will tell me thier good news when they do get pregnant, I may not be majorly excited for you but I'm glad you get the opportunity.
And if you have ever lost a baby, through miscarriage or held them as they took thier last breath, if you ever want to talk, I'm here, I cannot feel your pain (no one can) but I can empathise from the bottom of my soul and can listen without any judgement or opinion to offer.
I like to think I would have been a good mum and that my kids would have been great people.
I honestly don't know what the future brings, I don't know what role I have to play in my friends kids lives, I've been absent for a good few years dealing with other things and trying to rebuild myself to be better than the wreck I became after my world plan being destroyed and also other life events getting in the way.
But I'm hopeful doors will reopen and things will get better.
One thing I'd say is that your life will never go as planned so do try to be flexible in your goals, dreams and ambitions and pain can temper you like steel in a hot fire and you change into something potentially wonderful!
I'm going to stop waffling now.
